I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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