like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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