Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
