It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
