Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
