i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
