When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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