im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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