I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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