I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
