If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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