It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
