Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
