I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize