Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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