I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
