I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
