I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if only i could text you this smell
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
