omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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