yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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