I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
