I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
