i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
