she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
