The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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