Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize