Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
