every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
