im about as happy as oj after his trial
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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