Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
