No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize