If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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