so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
