Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have aggressive nipples.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
