Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize