I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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