how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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