Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
