I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
