I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
