Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
