Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
