You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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