Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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