His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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