Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
