fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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