it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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