whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
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