i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
