We got so high we made milksteak
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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