Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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