I wish you could order shots online.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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