I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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