Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Of course I have a pirate flag
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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