gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
everyone is single if you try hard enough
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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