Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
