What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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