and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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