I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
